How to say sorry online

More and more charities are trying to make diversity, inclusion, and equality a reality. But the journey towards social justice isn’t linear. We all make mistakes, and we all need to be accountable for them. That’s why learning how to craft and share a meaningful apology is a vital step in the journey towards equality.

 

 

Let people call you out

 

“People get so angry with us on Twitter about tiny things” says Emma*, a social media manager at a large international development NGO. “I’m often confused by why they take things so personally.”

 

“Consider that every callout has an entire history’s worth of unsaid context behind it,” says diversity, equality, and inclusion consultant Lily Zheng. “When someone says, ‘What you said hurt me,’ they’re saying, ‘You have hurt me in the way that people have hurt me, and people like me, in the past.’ And the weight of historical oppression is very heavy.”

 

You may be called out over words or actions that don’t seem like a big deal to you. If they don’t seem serious, it’s likely you don’t live with the consequences of that issue every day.

 

This video does a great job of showing how micro-aggressions behave like mosquito bites: a few incidents may seem small, but collectively, they add up to serious harm.

 

 

 

Apologise promptly

 

A meaningful apology is usually a prompt one.

 

Waiting too long before you issue an apology can make it look inauthentic. Some may think you’ve spent days meeting with lawyers and PRs, weighing up whether to apologise or not.

 

It’s also not fair on whoever you harmed. They could be feeling hurt, confused, and distressed. A swift apology can help them feel cared for.

 

 

Be clear

 

Get straight to it. If you’ve caused serious harm, now’s not the time for elaborate rhetoric.

 

You need to plainly acknowledge what went wrong, how you’ll prevent it happening again, and how you’re going to make things up to the people you’ve harmed.

 

 

Take ownership

 

Be specific about who is responsible, and why.

 

If a named person is accountable for what happened, make sure you quote them.

 

“Try to use the first person,” says PR expert Lisa Gibson of Yours Sincerely. “‘I’m very sorry’ sounds infinitely better than ‘we’re very sorry’. The use of ‘we’ feels like you’re ducking responsibility.”

 

Avoid the passive voice. ‘Mistakes were made’ sounds like you’re trying to shelter specific people from criticism. ‘Our senior leadership team should have caught this, and they failed to’ might be painful to admit, but it’s also more accurate and believable.

 

 

Make it visible

 

“Decide upfront which channels you need to use,” says Lisa Gibson. “It’s a knee-jerk reaction to publish your apology widely but think before you do. It might not be necessary to broadcast your apology on web and social channels if the thing that’s happened has only affected some of your audience.”

 

Let’s say you slightly mis-spoke on Twitter, and your followers let you know that what you said was inaccurate or offensive. It might be appropriate to reply to everyone who called you out, thanking them personally, explaining that you made a mistake, and you won’t use that word again in future.

 

If you have caused more serious harm, you’ll need a more comprehensive approach. Depending on the nature of the harm done, you might need to prepare a formal statement, a press release, social content for every channel, and emails tailored to all of your newsletter segments like supporters, campaigners and donors, as well as internal staff, volunteers, trustees.

 

Agree your key messages first. You can then adjust the detail and tone of each apology, according to the audience and platform.

 

 

Don’t distract from what happened

 

DARVO apologies (‘apologies’ that deny, attack, and reverse the roles of offender and accuser) are all too common.

 

In a DARVO apology, someone who’s guilty of harm assumes the role of the ‘falsely accused’ and then attacks their accuser.

 

You need to put the focus where it really matters.

 

 

Put the victim first

 

When Oxfam first apologised for the sexual exploitation of children as young as 12 in Haiti, it apologised to the government of Haiti. But the government of Haiti wasn’t the victim. A meaningful apology should put the focus on the people who were directly affected.

 

As psychologist Harriet Lerner writes in her book Why Won’t You Apologise?: “A true apology is more about the victim than the wrongdoer.”

 

 

No ifs, no buts

 

“A true apology does not include the word ‘but’,” writes Harriet Lerner. “It doesn’t matter if what you said after the ‘but’ is true. It will cancel out the apology.”

 

 

Make amends

 

If you have caused serious harm, it’s not enough to apologise.

 

You need to show you’ve understood what happened, and why it wasn’t good enough. You need to explain what you’ll do differently now, so it never happens again.

 

‘Explain what you’re going to do about it” says Lisa Gibson. ‘Don’t make excuses, but do explain what you’re doing to address the problem – from taking remedial action to opening an in-depth enquiry.’

 

 

Tread carefully with inquiries

 

An inquiry can be an effective way of uncovering what happened. It can help to identify exactly who was involved, or how broad the scale of the problem was. But simply saying ‘we’ll investigate what happened’ isn’t enough.

 

An inquiry alone won’t achieve justice for people who’ve been hurt. It won’t change processes or systems. And it won’t help people rebuild their trust in you.

 

Instead, you need to show how you’ll change.

 

That might mean an inquiry paired with:

• honest disclosure of failings
• concrete, specific, and tailored changes to whatever systems made those failings possible
• new processes to make sure it can’t happen again

 

Embrace the chance to do better

 

Calling someone out can be a generous act. If someone has accused you of doing harm, it shows they believe you could – and should – do better.

 

Try to see the mistake - and the apology that follows - as a chance to learn and grow. You don’t need to get overly spiritual about it, just reflect on what it teaches you.

 

As journalist Johann Hari said when he apologised for journalistic misconduct: ‘I’m grateful to the people who pointed out this error of judgment. I will make sure I learn from it.’

 

* Names in the article have been changed.